The Eyes as a Sexual Organ

Your eyes may be your most important sexual organs.

When we make eye contact with someone we find attractive, the shared gaze triggers an automatic smile, and our brains release hormones that contribute to the feeling that we have made a personal connection. These hormones, oxytocin and vasopressin, are also released during sexual arousal, at orgasm, during breast-feeding, and when parents gaze at their newborn babies. They seem to be responsible for emotional bonding.

When two people are “hot” for each other, it is because these hormones have triggered the release of dopamine in the brain, creating a feeling of excitement, confidence, focus, euphoria, and passion. These are the same feelings we experience when using drugs or gambling, and the mechanism is the same. This is why Romeo and Juliet, who fell in love after catching each other’s gaze from across the room, remain the quintessential example of passionate love. After all, what did they know about each other, aside from what they could gather from their eyes?

You can be as randy as a cat in heat, but no one will know if you are uncomfortable making eye contact. By meeting the gaze of another man or woman and holding it for a fraction of a second longer than usual, you can signal your interest. Most of us are culturally conditioned to avoid staring, and if someone glances at us, we quickly look away. This instinct is even more pronounced in East Asian cultures, which value privacy, deference, and saving face. A penetrating gaze is more acceptable, at least for men, in many Middle Eastern, Mediterranean, and South Asian cultures.

If you stare at someone who catches your interest, you run the risk that they will not reciprocate and may feel uncomfortable. After all, not everyone enjoys being the target of someone else’s sexual interest. There are many social contexts in which it would be unwise to stare, because you may be perceived as predatory. For example, you do not want to sexually harass your colleagues at work. But eye contact is a fairly safe method of testing the waters, because if your target is not sexually interested, he or she will likely not even notice or look away quickly rather than return your gaze.

Try making eye contact with men and women whom you find attractive. You may already be doing so with the opposite sex, but you will be surprised to find how many of the same sex will also return your gaze. Some may hold eye contact out of curiosity rather than desire, but that at least indicates a certain amount of comfort on the other person’s part. Others may look surprised, flattered, or disinterested.

Once you start making eye contact, you will notice that many women and men have been looking at you too and will smile when you reciprocate. You cannot reasonably judge a person’s character just by making eye contact, but you can at least begin to assess whether they are as interested in you as you are in them.

Anal Intercourse: a View from the Bottom

Both men and women, regardless of sexual orientation, can receive sexual pleasure through stimulation of the anus.

You can explore this on your own by sliding a lubricated finger into your anus while in the shower, on the toilet, or during masturbation. In fact, the tight anal sphincters should be stretched this way, by slowly sliding in one, then two, and perhaps three fingers, before you are penetrated by a larger dildo or penis, so that you can get used to the feeling. Otherwise you may be tense and unprepared, and intercourse may be uncomfortable or painful, at least at the start.

The anus does not possess as many glands as the mouth, penis, and vagina, so you will need to use a lubricant. Petroleum jelly (Vaseline) is ideal for self-exploration, and silicone-based lubricants provide the most slipperiness, but water-based lubricants are safest for use with condoms, because they don't weaken the material. Stay away from soap and lotions, which can sting and irritate the mucosa.

The most important principle, when you first try anal intercourse, is to go slowly and relax. The firmer the penis (or dildo), the more easily it will go in. You should try to push out with your anus against the head of the penis, rather than instinctively squeezing in. You may want to sit on your partner in order to have the most control over the angle and pace of the penetration. The anal sphincter is slightly narrower from side to side than from top to bottom, and penises tend to be flatter from the top surface to the bottom, so you might find it easier to be penetrated while lying on your side with your top leg pulled up towards your chest and your partner striding you perpendicularly.

Rates of pain during anal intercourse among women have not been studied. A study of men who have engaged in receptive anal sex (as a “bottom”) found that one quarter almost always experienced some pain, though it was usually mild or transient and partly related to anxiety. There are two anal sphincters, and the pain often occurs when the penis is partly in and reaches the deeper sphincter, taking both partners unawares. So go slowly until the penis is all the way in.

During your first experiences with anal penetration, you may feel uncomfortably like you are about to pass gas, because that is how the sphincters usually interpret the sensation of being stretched. You will get used to it. For hygienic reasons, you should defer being penetrated in the ass if you have a full sensation in your bowels, and some people even use a saline enema to empty their bowels before sex. After anal intercourse, some mucous and lubricant may be smeared in the crack of your buttock, and you may feel like you need to go to the bathroom.

The G-Spot

Both men and women are confused about the anatomy and function of the female sex organs. Important parts of the female genitalia are embedded in the body rather than hanging out, like their male counterparts, so they are difficult to study, but scientists have also mischaracterized or ignored the area for centuries. Vesalius, a classical anatomist from the Italian Renaissance, went so far as to claim that the clitoris was a myth or an abnormality that should be removed. Sixty years after physicians “discovered” the G-spot and female ejaculation, scientists continue to debate their existence or characterize them as feminist myths.

Medical studies conducted in just the past decade have revealed the clitoris to be a more complex organ than had been realized previously. The clitoris is much more than the button of sensitive tissue visible under the labial hood; it includes long tubes of erectile tissue, similar to those found in the male penis, which extend deep into the pelvis, where they straddle the vagina like a cowgirl gripping a bronco. Squeezed between the vagina and clitoral tissue are several types of sexual glands. The entire organ is richly enervated and sensitive to the thrusting, stroking, tugging, vibrating, distending, and contracting motions that a woman experiences during intercourse.

Some scientists have begun to refer to a “clitoral complex” that includes the visible head of the clitoris, the deeper erectile tissues, the sexual glands, and the especially sensitive adjacent area of the vagina, often referred to as the G-spot.

The G-spot was named after Dr. Gräfenberg, the doctor who first noted that some women were aware of a point of maximum pleasure just within the vagina. The area is usually described as dime-sized and located about an inch inside, on the front side of the vagina. You can reach the area by sliding a finger into the vagina and bending the finger in the direction of the bellybutton.

Ever since Dr. Gräfenberg’s “discovery,” scientists have debated whether the G-spot exists, and most have been distracted by the hunt for a distinct organ rather than a sweet spot. It turns out that the location of the G-spot corresponds to the area where the deep, erectile tissue of the clitoris pushes up against the wall of the vagina, especially when the erectile tissue becomes engorged with blood and the vaginal muscles contract, as they do during sexual arousal and vaginal penetration.

Have you found your own G-spot, an area in the vagina that seems particularly sensitive? Or have you located it in others? Tell us about your experiences, or take the quick poll to the right.

NYC Pride 2010

A few marchers in the Pride Parade last week were just too hot to post on my PG blog.

Anatomy of a Blowjob

I assume that readers of this blog are not completely inexperienced in the sexual arts, but some of you may have more confidence with one gender or the other. Knowledge is power, so I'm inaugurating a series of posts called Sex 101 that will describe the details of sexual intercourse.

Men and women have similar mouths. For the purpose of this post, the inside of the mouth is best described from the perspective of the penis. During oral sex, the penis is gripped by the lips and tongue as it slides against the slippery hard palate at the roof of the mouth. The muscles of the cheek create suction, and the penis may find itself sliding between your gums and cheek, or it may head straight to the back of the throat, in which case it pushes against the soft palate and tonsils.

The pressure against these fleshy structures typically triggers a gag reflex, which is designed to protect you from choking on food. If you want to “deep throat,” or take a penis deep into your mouth, you must learn to suppress the gag reflex by concentrating on relaxing the muscles at the back of your throat. This is not difficult, at least if you have a patient partner. (And unless you're giving a quickie in an alley, what partner wouldn't want you to take your time?)

A penis will also block your airway if it is thrust deep enough, so be sure to come up for air periodically.

The inside of the mouth is rich in salivary and mucous glands that secrete slippery liquids which help us digest food, and these glands are also triggered by any probing of the mouth during deep kissing and oral sex. Deeper penetration to the back of the throat causes the release of the thicker, more mucous fluids. Saliva mixes with your partner’s sexual secretions during fellatio, creating a slick and salty film that tastes nice and makes sex more comfortable (the same is true during cunnilingus).

What kind of blowjob do men prefer? It's a matter of taste and anatomy, so you'll have to experiment with your partner to see if he prefers the tightness at the back of your throat or the teasing licks of your tongue. The head of the penis is very sensitive, especially in uncircumcised men, so gripping the shaft in your mouth may be more pleasant than directly sucking the tip.

If a man ejaculates while his penis is deep in the back of your mouth, some of the semen may go down your throat or up into the back of your nasal passages, which lie directly above the soft palate. Most of the semen will remain in your mouth and can be spit out or swallowed, according to your preference.

There is truth in the old joke that, like dogs who lick themselves, we would all go down on ourselves if we were limber enough to do so. Surveys show that the vast majority of men would like to be given a blowjob. Many consider fellatio a form of making out rather than sex, and an otherwise straight man may feel comfortable getting a blowjob from another man and consider himself a lucky bystander whose sexual orientation is not called into question. But there is a double standard, and the "cocksucker" is often assumed to be gay. This is silly and fundamentally sexist; neither the giving nor the receiving of a blowjob is intrinsically more heterosexual or homosexual. Both are highly enjoyable.

An obvious question to ask in this forum is, who gives better blowjobs, men or women? Take the quick poll in the column to the right and let us know what you think.

Embarking on a Threesome

You realize that you’re attracted to both men and women, but you’re already in a straight relationship. What do you do? You could have a sexual experience on the side, as about one in four men and one in five women do at some point during their marriages, but this poses both ethical and practical problems. Rather than keeping secrets from your partner, wouldn't it be better to explore your options together?

A declaration of bisexuality by one person in a couple poses some problems. First, your partner may be upset that you are interested in having sex with anyone else, regardless of their gender. Second, your partner may hold one of many stereotypes about bisexuality and fear that you are really gay, or at least confused, and that your love and desire were never genuine. Your partner may become outraged, allege that you are having an affair, suspect that you have concealed prior homosexual experiences, and conclude that the two of you are incompatible.

That is not a desirable outcome, though it is a risk you may be willing to take, as an alternative to having an affair or leaving important feelings unexplored for the rest of your life.

It is best to raise the topic of your sexual feelings cautiously in order to gauge how your partner will react. You can mention bisexuality in general, ask your partner about his or her prior feelings and experiences with the same sex, make reference to mutual friends or family who have come out as gay or bisexual, explore his or her interest in having a threesome (with the combinations of genders you think he or she would prefer), and gradually reveal your own curiosity. You may find it helpful to first introduce role-playing, fantasies, or pornography with bisexual themes into your love making, to prime his or her sexual interest. Or ask your partner to take the Flexuality Test.

Your partner's reaction may surprise you. Some may be relieved that you’ve broached a topic that has been on their mind. Perhaps he or she has always wanted to try a threesome but has been afraid to say so. Some may have never considered it but become sexually excited at the possibility. Many men would enjoy having sex with two women, and many women would enjoy having sex with two men, so long as they are confident in the stability of your relationship.

Rather than feeling deceived, your partner may feel that your disclosure is a sign of your trust and commitment to a growing and deepening relationship. Relationships can evolve, just as people do, and this may introduce an exciting change. A positive outcome is more likely if your partner is open-minded about sex to begin with and has some understanding that bisexual desires are commonplace and natural, not deviant and rare.

On the other hand, you both need to be realistic about the risks of opening up your relationship, such as jealous reactions, falling in love with a mutual partner, or starting down a slippery slope away from sexual commitment.

Finding a partner can also be a challenge, though you may have someone in mind. You may be able to pick someone up at a bar or on a cruising Web site, some of which allow you to set up a profile as a couple. If you are trying to pick up a stranger, one or the other of you may serve as bait, flirting and then explaining the situation to the man or woman whose interest you have captured. If you want to invite a friend into bed, do so cautiously. Even close friends may be shocked to discover that you have sexual designs on them. Explore your friends’ attitudes towards sexual practices and swinging before you pop the question. Don’t assume that they anticipate or share your interest.

Once you work things out with a stranger or friend, keep in mind that you may have different preconceptions or desires in terms of who will be doing what to whom. You may want to establish ground rules with your partner ahead of time, and you may want to explain your preferences to the third party and establish his or her expectations before you get into bed. But that can also have a chilling effect and reduce the spontaneity and excitement that are a part of love making. I recommend keeping the discussion to a minimum, but be mindful of any discomfort or pleasure that arises. You might enjoy things you hadn’t anticipated trying.

What if you’re in a gay or lesbian relationship and want to explore your heterosexual side? The same principles apply, as with a straight couple, and the same risks. A gay or lesbian partner may be more understanding, if only because he or she is likely to have had prior heterosexual experiences. On the other hand, after struggling to come out and come to terms with a minority sexual identity and battling homophobia, your partner may be upset that you are contemplating sliding back to the majority. Your expression of opposite-sex desire may feel like a slap in the face and trigger feelings of abandonment, especially since many gay couples feel particularly fortunate to have discovered each other and to have built a relationship against the odds.

Have you come out as bi to a partner, or tried a threesome? Share your experiences with our readers! And take the quick poll in the column on the right.