One in Three

The summer after my junior year in college, we got together for pizza and beer in my parent’s backyard. I hadn’t seen Brad and Jason since Thanksgiving, when my girlfriend at the time was visiting. But now it was just the three of us, like in high school.

After a few drinks, the conversation turned to sex, and Brad did what he does best, showing off some bit of knowledge and putting us on the defensive. He had taken a course on human sexuality to satisfy his college science requirement. “And did you know,” he said, leaning forward over his beer, “That one out of every three men has had sex with another man?” He looked Jason in the eye. “That means, statistically speaking, one of us right here has fucked around with a guy.”

We were all silent for a moment, holding tightly onto our Buds. What a conversation stopper.

Jason was the straightest guy I knew, always bragging about screwing some girl, though he never held onto them for long. And Brad had dated the same girl since high school. We were always stumbling on the two of them having sex behind a tree or in a closet. You could say he was twisted, but he sure as hell wasn’t gay.

“So boys, which one of us has done it?” Brad continued, safe from scrutiny and not letting us off the hook.

I started to sweat.

These guys were my best friends, but I had never told them about the time I fooled around with a frat mate in sophomore year. We got drunk after soccer practice and ended up showering together back at the house, when no one else was around. It started with touching and teasing, and then we ended up in his bed, giving each other head. It never happened again, but I knew I’d do it again with a guy if I had the opportunity. For a couple weeks afterwards I even worried that I might be gay, which was stupid, because I’ve always liked girls and planned to get married.

Could Brad and Jason see that I was the one? I leaned back to take another drink and banged my head against the wind chimes hanging from the rafters of the porch, spilling beer across my chin. I blushed and looked away.

“Don’t be an ass,” Jason said. “None of us is gay.” He looked at me and back at Brad. “And nobody here has fucked a guy. You’ve got a sick mind, man.”

Truth or Dare

Most men and women have their first same-sex experience in the context of experimenting with a friend. Teenagers and young adults spend most of their time, and feel most comfortable, with friends of the same sex, at a time when hormones are flowing and sexual curiosity is high. Friends tease and test each other while pushing their affection to the limits, often becoming closer to each other than they have ever been with anyone before. It is only natural for sexual tensions to develop.

Friends have always found ways to explore each other without advice from others. But many also feel guilty or confused or miss opportunities because they have not considered their options. You may find yourself looking back with regret at the times when a friend gave you an opening and you were too surprised, nervous, or inexperienced to take advantage. In that spirit, I list some of the common ways in which young men and women create opportunities for mutual sexual discovery. If you find yourself in one of these situations, you will be better prepared to steer the encounter in a more interesting direction.

“Truth or dare” is a time-tested game which gives players permission to reveal secrets or engage in shocking behavior. For the game to work, the one posing the challenge must pretend to be intent on embarrassing the one who is commanded, who in turn must pretend to resist. In fact, each player takes turns exploring the others’ limits while projecting and pursuing their own desires. “Spin the bottle” and “strip poker” create similar opportunities in the guise of punishment. Young men and women play each of these games together, and the excitement of mixing sexes is part of the fun.

Young men are fascinated by their new-found ability to get an erection, and they want to share this discovery with their friends. Many teenagers have joined a “circle jerk” at some point in their younger years, where they compare the sizes of their erections, the speed with which they reach orgasm, or the trajectory of their ejaculations. Hazing rituals in fraternities may involve similarly juvenile, sexualized acts, such as being confined naked in close quarters with other pledges. After a few drinks, "straight" guys may find themselves patting each other on the butt, working out naked, or unzipping their pants and comparing genitals. Once that boundary has been crossed, and sexual excitement has been demonstrated, another dare, question, or casual gesture can lead to frank sexual exploration, even if the fun is “forgotten” in the next morning’s hangover.

Young women similarly compare the size and shape of their breasts and practice kissing with each other, which can lead to making out. Women can hold an x-rated version of a Tupperware party, where they compare and purchase sex toys. Groups of women also sometimes find themselves discussing the elusive G-spot and may assist each other in finding that sensitive portion of their vagina which is so poorly explained in books. What starts as innocent exploration of their bodies may turn into sexual play. After all, why wait for a man if a more knowledgeable woman can help you practice and attain the orgasm of a lifetime?

Sleepovers are a particularly good setting for sexual exploration. Women are more comfortable with physical intimacy to begin with and may share a bed or cuddle, and that may be satisfying enough or lead to something more. Men often wake in the middle of the night to find that they have an erection, which, though involuntary, may serve as an excuse for sexual teasing, touching, or making out. Camping trips, snow storms, movie or computer game marathons, late-night studying, or being too drunk to drive home may all serve as excuses for spending the night together, sharing a bed, and getting to know each other better.

Picking up Popcorn

The other guys went home around midnight, but Tad told me he would stick around and help me clean up, which I really appreciated, because I was pretty stoned and the place would stink if I left it till the morning. There were cans of beer lying on their side on the floor and nuts and popcorn slipping into the cracks of the sofa. When we had nearly finished and were moving a table back into the kitchen, Tad asked me about Bobby, who had been making loud, obnoxious comments about all the girls in the movie: how he’d like to fuck this one or that one, how big her boobs were, and stuff like that.

“The thing is,” Tad said, “I had this experience last year with Bobby. We were at Jessica’s party, and when I went to pee, he sort of pushed his way into the bathroom behind me. He said he couldn’t wait, unzipped, and started pissing into the bowl while I was using it. I didn’t mind, but then he started playing around, crossing the streams and moaning like it was something sexual. We’d had a lot of beer, so this went on for a while, and I noticed his dick was getting bigger. After he shook it off, he pushed his underwear down and asked me to suck him off.”

Tad paused, like he was waiting for my reaction.

“So did you?”

“No, of course not.” He flashed an annoyed look. “He wasn’t kidding either. He was getting really hard. I told him he was drunk and got out of there fast.” Tad looked up at me. “Do I look like I’m gay, or something?”

I reached into the fridge, popped open another can of beer, and handed it to him. We were standing just a foot or two apart. “I don’t think gay is a way you look.”

He looked annoyed again, shifting back and forth and clenching his teeth in what could have been a smile or a frown. Finally he asked me, “What would you have done?”

I held his gaze and thought about my answer. “Well, I don’t like Bobby very much.”

He held out the beer and smiled. “So you might have, if it was somebody else?”

I let my fingers brush against his as I took the beer back and had a cold swig, looking into his eyes the whole time. “I’d give it a try, with the right person.”

The Missionary Position

The Missionary Position, supposedly named in honor of its promotion by the Church, is perhaps the most famous sexual position of all. The orthodox position involves vaginal intercourse with the man lying on top of the woman, face-to-face. The prime advantage of the Missionary Position is its simplicity and reciprocity. Partners can easily kiss and embrace. It is the ideal position for expressing love, as distinct from passion, power, or dexterity.

The Cobra: The top partner lifts himself up from the waist, on hands or elbows, to achieve greater tension and a view unobstructed by snogging.

The Lotus: The bottom encircles and crosses legs behind the top’s thighs, gripping and pulling the top in more deeply and tightly. This is the only Missionary Position that works well for anal sex.

The Fan: The bottom’s legs are spread wide for deeper penetration. Anal intercourse becomes possible, though still a stretch.

The Melon Vine: The woman lies on top, usually with legs bent to embrace the man.

Bone-2-Bone: Two women embrace and rub genitals, which often involves interweaving legs so that the clitoris and surrounding structures can press together.

Gemini: Two men embracing, which works best when the erections find a space to grind against, such as the juncture between the top of the thigh and pubic area. Be careful not to crush each other’s testicles.

Sweet Fruit

Even though we couldn’t keep our eyes off each other on the base, I was nervous when I finally walked over to Jackie’s room to get her for the movie. I’d never been on a date with a woman before, and I had no idea what two women were supposed to do in bed. It couldn’t be anything like having sex with a man, unless she had one of those strap-on things, and that would be just ridiculous and anyway out of the question in the dormitory. I told myself not to worry. We were going off base, and if I could just hold her hand during the movie, that would be enough.

I had butterflies in my stomach as I knocked and heard her footsteps approaching from the other side. My cheeks were suddenly hot, and my mouth was dry. She opened the door, still wearing fatigues. We just stood there, smiling at each other like idiots. Then she took hold of me by the wrist and pulled me inside, closed the door, and pressed me up against the wall.

There was no talking and no kissing, at least not on the lips. She dropped down in front of me and pulled my panties down from under my skirt and pushed my skirt up with both hands and dug in with her tongue. I was still too shocked to do anything but lean my shoulders back against the wall and tilt my legs to give her room. She slid a finger into me, or two, while nuzzling and tugging with her lips. Her whole face was slippery against me now, and I put my hands on her braids and pulled her tight as my legs started shaking uncontrollably.

And then we lay down on her bed for more. We never did make it to the movie. In fact, I don’t think we even took a break for dinner. Thank god her roommate was on leave.

Orgasm

The experience of orgasm is similar for men and women. Pleasure builds until you feel a sense of inevitability, at which point your skin flushes, pulse accelerates, and breathing quickens. As the wave of tension and release surges through you, your muscles clench and spasm. Vaginal and anal muscles contract, squeezing the penis or other penetrating objects even more tightly than before, and the man’s throbbing erection may bounce up and down as it ejaculates.

Men can reach orgasm within a few minutes of intercourse or masturbation, or even faster if they are highly aroused. Women benefit from longer foreplay and stimulation of multiple erogenous sites.

By the time a man reaches the point of inevitability, spermatic fluids have accumulated in the prostate and other glands and ducts, from which they are forcefully ejected in a series of muscular contractions. The head of the penis becomes uncomfortably sensitive to touch during and after orgasm, so he may need to stop thrusting or withdraw his penis. If you are jerking or sucking a penis when the man starts to come, you should adjust the pace and tightness of your grip; do not squeeze harder or you may stymie the ejaculation.

Male ejaculate consists of sperm floating in a mixture of cholesterol, sugars, salts and protein, which has a sweet and salty taste and a faint smell of chlorine. Semen can vary in consistency from watery to gelatinous (or a mix of both), and the volume depends in part on the length of arousal and the number of days since the last ejaculation. A tablespoon is a typical amount, and maximum volume is reached after about five days. A thinner, slippery “pre-come” may also drip from the tip of the penis during arousal, and this contributes to lubrication during intercourse. Women also exude lubricating fluids and may ejaculate a small amount from the pee-hole at the time of orgasm.

Men experience a refractory period after orgasm, during which it is difficult to become erect again, and this refractory period becomes longer and longer with age. (Adolescents and young adults may be able to get hard again within a few minutes if they are sufficiently psychologically aroused.) Women have an advantage over men in their ability to reach orgasm multiple times in succession.

The Snake

The Snake is defined by the bottom partner lying face down with legs together. It can be thought of as a collapsed Doggy Style. In the standard version, the top partner lies on top of the bottom, chest-to-back. The advantage, relative to the Doggy Style, comes from the pressing together of the legs, so that the penis is gripped in part by the thighs and buttocks. The position may also be more comfortable and permit more groping and cuddling. The top can thrust forward into the vagina and either forward or downward into the anus, depending also on how the bottom tilts the hips.

Some variations:

The Plough: The top leans back at the waist and balances on hands or elbows, in order to have a better view and increase the tension and control of penetration.

Spread Snake: The bottom’s legs are spread wide and the top lies between them. What is lost in the grip of the thighs is gained by the depth of penetration. Conveys total prostration.

Spooning: Like the traditional Snake, except that both partners lie on their sides. Might be more comfortable when the bottom is pregnant or the top is overweight.

Cross Snake: The top lies perpendicularly across the bottom. May be less painful for the bottom during initiation of anal sex, because the width of the penis and anal sphincters are better aligned. The bottom can lie on one side and bend the upper leg to provide better access.

Dressage: The top partner straddles the bottom and thrusts into the ass while sitting up. May be more difficult to reach and stay in the vagina from this position. Provides the top with excellent control over the angle and tension of penetration. Easy to slip back down into the standard Snake for greater depth.

The Snake can also be enjoyed without penetration by “splitting rocks” (as it is called in Sri Lanka) between the thighs or by humping the buttocks.

The Vulva

If a woman undresses in front of you, you probably will not see her sexual organs, because they are folded together between her legs and covered by a triangular patch of pubic hair. The pubic hair grows from the skin of the lower abdomen and from the labial mounds between the legs. It is generally curlier than hair on the head, though it may be fairly straight in women of Asian or Native American background. If the woman has shaved her pubic area, you may see a cleft where the two labial mounds press together, concealing the rest of the genitals, though the inner labial lips may protrude a little, depending on their size. Only when the woman spreads her legs while sitting, lying, or bending over, do the labia unfold to reveal the nestled, elliptical structures around the vagina.

The labial mounds are fatty folds of skin that have hair and sweat glands. They are anatomically similar to scrotal skin in men and similarly sensitive to touch; running fingers through the hair can increase blood flow and lubrication to the region. Inside the labial mounds are the even more sensitive, thinner labial lips, which are hairless and usually darker in color. The lips come together at the top in a hood which can be gently pushed back to reveal the clitoris, a small knob of tissue that is the focal point for sexual pleasure in most women. The hood of the clitoris, also called the prepuce, is analogous to the foreskin of the male penis. Pulling gently on the hood or labial lips will also stimulate the clitoris.

Below the clitoris and between the labial lips is a small area of pink or reddish skin which serves as the floor into which the vagina opens. Doctors refer to this area as the vestibule. There is a tiny mound for the urethral opening, or pee-hole, in this area, midway between the clitoris and the vaginal opening. When a woman is sexually aroused, the urethra closes, and lubricating fluids are released from ducts opening invisibly into the urethral mound. Many women ejaculate a small amount of clear or milky fluid at the time of orgasm.

In girls, the reddish skin of the vestibule is continuous with the hymen, a small curtain of mucous membrane that incompletely covers the opening to the vagina. The hymen is rich in blood vessels and may bleed a little when it is torn during first sexual intercourse. This was (and in parts of the world continues to be) an important sign of virginity, especially for girls who married at an early age. The hymen becomes increasingly translucent, thin, and elastic with age, so many women now do not experience any bleeding by the time they first experience penetration. During childbirth, the hymen stretches to the point where it is no longer visible, or only tiny remnants may be visible around the edge of the vaginal opening.

The Mouth

From the time we are infants, we derive pleasure and give and receive affection through our mouths. Freud thought oral sexuality was a developmental stage to be abandoned after breast-feeding, but the pleasures of the mouth are a unique and crucial part of the sexual repertoire. Teenagers who are not yet ready to have genital intercourse can enjoy kissing, necking, and even oral sex, and some men and women continue to prefer oral sex to other forms of intercourse. Kissing remains the most affectionate form of sexual expression, which makes it essential for some and a taboo for others (for example, a macho type will seek a blowjob from a man but turn away from his kiss).

Lips come in a variety of shapes and sizes that contribute to appearance and the quality of stimulation they provide. The skin of the lips has a dry surface on the outside and moist mucous membrane on the inside (which makes it similar to the entrance of the vagina). Fat lies beneath the surface of the lips, making them soft, while a thin muscle circles the mouth and allows for the pursing of the lips. This muscle is involved when you press lips together during passionate kissing, when you pucker around a nipple or clitoris, or when you encircle the shaft of a penis during fellatio. Since the outside of the lips are naturally dry, these activities may be more pleasant if they are wetted with saliva, lipstick, or petroleum jelly.

The lips work together with the muscles of the cheeks to create enough suction to lightly bruise the skin of the neck when making a “hickey” or love-bite. Some people also use their teeth to gently bite and tug on the nipples, labia, or foreskin during sex. This requires some control and attention to not hurt your partner. Some people also enjoy the light pain that comes from being bitten on the skin, and a full chapter is devoted to this form of love-making in the ancient Indian Kamasutra.

The tongue is essentially a muscle surrounded by mucous membrane. The muscle fibers run in all directions, so the tongue is able to stretch, curl, flick, and move dexterously. The upper surface of the tongue is textured, in order to better grip food, which contributes to the wet sensation of friction which makes a probing tongue so exciting.

Variations on Doggie Style

The Supplicant: Bottom semi-prone on elbows, face and chest to the ground. When the sex is especially good, the bottom becomes a worshiper, prostrate on the bed, offering his or her butt as a sacrifice. May slightly improve the depth and angle of penetration and provide greater stability and comfort during forceful thrusting. Emphasizes the beauty and flexibility of the bottom’s torso.

Tall Doggie: Bottom crouched on bed or other platform, top standing straight. Advantage: may be more comfortable for the top, depending on the relative height of the two partners. Disadvantage: more contrived and clinical and less intimate.

The Monkey: Top straddling with knees bent. Advantage: with legs akimbo and knees bent, the top has maximal range of motion for powerful thrusts. When mirrors or observers are present, this position provides the best view from behind of both partners. Emphasizes the athleticism of the top, especially in the buttocks and thighs.

True Doggie: Both partners on their knees, chest-to-back. Advantage: more intimate; kissing, nibbling, and fondling possible. Disadvantages: less range of motion and less variation in the depth of penetration. Can be uncomfortable or difficult to maintain if the partners are not well matched in size (the top a bit taller than the bottom).

The Archer: Top on one bent knee. A compromise or transitional position, between the full doggie and monkey positions. Allows the top to aim more precisely, but limits the depth of penetration. Not for novices, who may end up tipping each other over and changing the mood.

Doggie Style

This is the first in a series of posts about the variety of sexual positions that can be enjoyed by men and women in different combinations.

As much as I enjoy coming up with new terms, the common name for this position is just too popular and too apt. The doggie style is defined by the top partner mounting from behind the bottom, who is bent on hands and knees. Both men and women can play either role; a woman can use a strap-on dildo. In each case, the feeling of taking or being taken from behind may add an element of excitement, communicating animal passion. The top may enjoy a greater feeling of control, or domination, and enjoy the view of the partner from behind being penetrated.

The vagina can be entered just as deeply, if not more so, from this position, compared to the missionary position. The clitoris may get less direct stimulation, but the G-spot will be in the direct path of the thrusting penis or dildo. The top can switch from vaginal to anal intercourse without altering position much, though hygiene may be a concern when alternating between the two. The buttocks provide a nice cushion during anal sex, their protrusion only slightly limiting the depth of anal penetration. Anal sex in this position can be more painful initially for the bottom, because he or she has less control of the angle and pace of entry. A male bottom may also get less prostate stimulation, since penises tend to curve upwards.

The doggie style can also be enjoyed without penetration. The penis can slide between clenched thighs (intracrural) or up between the buttock cheeks. The top can place a hand on the back of the penis to sandwich it against the buttocks, or the bottom can reach between the legs to guide the penis between the thighs. Even without penetration, the friction against the asshole, clitoris, or lips of the vulva can be very pleasing. Advantage: a good position when you don’t have a condom handy or are not prepared for full intercourse (but be aware that infectious diseases and pregnancy are still a risk, especially if the top ejaculates onto the anus or vagina). Disadvantage: may be tantalizing and less satisfying to both partners, but especially the bottom; the skin of the thighs and buttocks may be uncomfortably dry; humping is best when the bottom has a generous booty; uncertainty about where the top should ejaculate.

Stay tuned for variations on the doggie style.

Blue Balls

If a man has been sexually aroused for some time and does not reach orgasm, he can develop a painful, congested feeling in his lower abdomen and testicles, commonly known as “blue balls.” Surprisingly, this phenomenon is almost completely ignored in the medical literature. Because there has been little medical investigation, we can't be certain whether the discomfort comes from venous congestion or from the build-up of seminal fluids.

Some consider blue balls a myth that young men use to pressure their girlfriends into sex. I'm sure the complaint has been used for that purpose, though there is really no excuse, since the discomfort is easily and safely relieved by masturbating to orgasm. But some people have a personal or cultural belief that masturbation is sinful or that it depletes masculine vigor. Of course, relief can also come in the form of a "wet dream" in the early morning during REM sleep, when men naturally and involuntarily develop an erection.

Have you ever experienced blue balls? Take the poll to the right.
Whether or not you suffer from blue balls, you may be able to get away with some naughty behavior with friends or roommates with the excuse that you are "horny" and "need relief." Most young men can sympathize. In fact, it may have been the idea of getting off with your pals that got you into a hard place to begin with.

Breasts

Studies have found that men spend more time staring at a woman's breasts than at her face or other parts of her body when judging attractiveness. Clearly breasts play an important role in attracting a mate. They come in a wide variety of sizes, and no particular size has been found to be more attractive. Everyone has his or her own preferences.

At puberty, women’s breasts expand into their adult shape over a couple of years as they accumulate fat. The nipples and areolas also enlarge and become darker in color and more sensitive to touch. The areolas develop a bumpy texture on account of lubricating glands just below the skin. Women’s breasts become more firm and sensitive during pregnancy and, to some extent, each month during the week leading up to ovulation. At those times, the breast may be too tender to manipulate sexually. The breasts become thinner and less pert after menopause, when the glandular tissue shrinks and is replaced by fat.

Some women consider their breasts uncomfortably large and seek surgical breast reduction. But about twice as many undergo surgery to augment the size of their breasts. The breasts are expanded by slipping saline implants, which are like water-filled balloons, beneath the breasts or underlying chest muscles. Though augmented breasts may not feel quite the same as natural breasts, and some firmness or rippling of the skin may occur in reaction to the implants, most women and their partners are satisfied with the results. Women who have had surgery to reduce or augment their breasts may have small scars near the armpit or at the fold on the underside of the breast, or sometimes around the areola.

Many women and men derive sexual pleasure from rubbing or squeezing their nipples or breasts, or from having them squeezed or sucked by a partner. The nipples are particularly well supplied with nerves that are sensitive to touch, and with tiny muscles that cause them to perk up. Some men enjoy rubbing their erection in a woman’s cleavage, but that is unlikely to be particularly stimulating for the woman, unless it is accompanied by nipple play. If you suck a woman’s nipples after she has given birth, you will stimulate the release of a sweet and fatty milk.

Men can develop breasts just like women, but this rarely occurs unless a man is obese or takes female hormones. For most men, the breasts consist only of the nipples and areolas. Men who develop “man titties” often consider them embarrassing and seek surgical breast reduction. I suspect some men and women might find breasts to be an attractive feature in otherwise masculine men, but I find no mention of this in the literature.

Sexual Addiction

Does sexual addiction exist?

Mental health professionals have been slow to recognize the problem, in part because of traditional assumptions that only drugs and alcohol are addicting, and that sexual deviancy depends on what a person finds arousing rather than on ones sexual appetite. But as the internet has brought pornography, chat, and escorts into everyone’s home office, and self-help groups have popped up for sex addicts, the profession has woken up to the challenge.

Like gambling, sexual behaviours can spin out of control. You become increasingly preoccupied with cruising for partners, hoarding pornography, fantasizing about sexual encounters, and masturbating to the point of exhaustion. You spend increasing amounts of time in pursuit of sexual gratification, to the point that you begin to lose sleep or fall behind at work. Your loved ones notice a change, and you waste even more energy trying to conceal your pursuits. You may try to cut back, but find it difficult to reign in your habits.

In an article in The Spectator, the author nicely describes his own experience becoming addicted to internet pornography, and his eventual recovery.

Why mention sexual addiction in a blog about flexible sexuality? If you are ashamed by your homosexual or bisexual urges, you should be reassured that those desires are natural and not themselves signs of deviancy or addiction. I don’t believe that any sexual orientation is inherently more hypersexual and vulnerable to addiction, except perhaps for the supersexual type. Even then, addiction is defined by the loss of control, not by how much or how often you want to have sex (which varies considerably from person to person).

But I suspect that sexual addiction is much more common than we realize and that some people who come across this blog might have worries about controlling their urges. If so, recognizing the problem and deciding to do something about it is a good first step.

Circumcision

About three-quarters of men in the United States are circumcised, slightly down from a peak of 80% fifty years ago. Rates are highest among white men, while only two-thirds of African-Americans and half of Latinos are circumcised. In no other country in the world are men circumcised at birth so routinely, unless for religious reasons. Circumcision was once thought to prevent boys from masturbating and becoming morons. Though that Victorian myth has been debunked, three-quarters of American mothers still consider a circumcised penis more visually and sexually appealing and more hygienic and request the procedure for their newborn boys.

The foreskin of uncircumcised men cloaks the head (or glans) of the penis in the flaccid state, often covering it completely like a drawn purse, except when it is manually retracted. The foreskin is like a cuff, with skin on the outer surface and a pinker mucous membrane on the inside. This inner surface is similar to the mucous membranes of the lips, vagina, and anus. When the penis is erect, the foreskin unrolls over the lengthening shaft, and the penis becomes virtually indistinguishable from a circumcised penis, except that the unrolled portion may be moister and pinker.

Medical journals continue to debate whether circumcision (or “male genital mutilation,” as some refer to the practice) affects sexual functioning in men. The foreskin contains specialized sensory nerve cells that detect vibration and motion, and glands which secrete lubricating fluids during sexual arousal, and these would be lost during circumcision. The head of the penis is probably more sensitive in uncircumcised men, because the mucosal surface turns into normal skin if the foreskin is removed. But it has been difficult to scientifically prove any difference in sensitivity, or whether greater sensitivity is good (easier to arouse) or bad (more tender) for uncircumcised men. Also, men with intact foreskins can accumulate a greasy white substance, called smegma, though this is rarely noticeable and easily cleaned. A number of studies have shown that men who are circumcised as adults are generally happy with the results, and circumcised men may have more oral sex, more anal sex, more frequent masturbation, and less sexual dysfunction.

There is no objective medical or aesthetic reason for prefering a cut or uncut penis. For most men, the choice was made for them by their parents. Otherwise, it comes down to personal preferences one might have in a partner, if one cares at all. Which do you prefer? Take the quick quiz to the right.

The Kamasutra

Since I refer to this blog as a “kamasutra,” I should give a shout out to the original, which was written seventeen hundred years ago by the sage Vatsyayana in what is now India. The Kamasutra was written for metropolitan playboys in pursuit of women, and it catalogued a variety of sexual practices without judgment. A fascinating and authoritative translation by Wendy Doniger was published in 2002 and is now available in paperback (the following quotes are from her translation).

Vatsyayana was well aware of the bisexual potential of men and women. The description of oral sex between men is among the longest and most ecstatic descriptions of a sex act in the entire book (which is saying something). Vatsyayana describes eight stages, from the initial placement of the lips on the head of the penis to the swallowing at climax. He reports men “who care for one another’s welfare and have established trust do this service for one another,” though oral sex was more commonly obtained from a masseur. A commentary by the scholar Yashodhara goes further, describing how men “take one another, in friendship, and give one another the sensual pleasure of ejaculation. They say, ‘You do it for me now, and I will do it for you later.’ Or both of them do it at the same time, by turning their bodies head to foot, losing all sense of time because of their passion.” These Indian sages were referring to men who were otherwise straight and interested in sex with women.

The same commentary by Yashodhara’s also describes oral sex between women: “Certain women in the harem, unable to get any tools, trusting in one another, excite one another with their mouth on the vagina.” Vatsyayana also describes how sexually unfulfilled women in a harem would “give pleasure to one another with the following techniques. They dress up a [girl] like a man and relieve their desire with dildos or with bulbs, roots, or fruits that have that form. They lie on statues of men that have distinct sexual characteristics.” Again, these were not lesbians in the modern sense but women who were otherwise expected to enjoy sex with men.

See also my posts on Sex Among South Asian Men and Bisexuality among Indian Women in Flexuality.

Pornography

Many of us discovered our sexual preferences in adolescence while flipping through an older friend's or relative's stack of pornographic magazines. Now everyone is more likely to find pornography on the internet. A wide selection of pornographic studios provide free content to thumbnail gallery posts (TGPs), so you can browse and see what catches your interest. Most straight TGPs (for example, PicHunter) have links to gay, bisexual, and "shemale" material, so you may have already taken a peek at same-sex or transgender pornography, if only out of curiosity.

All pornography involves acting (not all of it very good), and a single twenty minute scene may have actually involved hours of uncomfortable intercourse. The real sexual orientation of the models may have little relation to the acts they perform (i.e., they may be versatile or simply miscast). So don't be surprised if the participants don't always look like they are having fun.

Most “lesbian” pornography, unfortunately, is aimed at straight men rather than women and may seem particularly artificial in its depiction of female passion. But there is at least one good, free lesbian TGP that depicts women who look and behave more naturally, at RealLesbianPorn.

Some gay pornography exploits the gay-for-pay concept by presenting "amateur" straight men who have been tempted to explore their gay side for money, only to find they enjoy it. This may hold particular appeal for bi-curious viewers who can identify with the models. Gaysexer is a good TGP with a wide selection of studios and model types. Gaydemon organizes its thumbnail galleries by type of model and action and includes bisexual and shemale directories

“Bisexual” pornography typically involves threesomes in which two men have sex with each other and another woman. Again, it is created for men but may appeal to women who are turned on by gay sex. "FFM" (female-female-male) porn rarely features women who appear genuinely interested in each other. PenisBot has straight, gay, and other galleries, including a fairly good selection of bisexual images.

When browsing through pornography on the web, beware of fake TGPs that endlessly redirect you to other TGPs and studios or that carry malware. The sites listed on this post seem to be relatively safe. Video clips may carry more malware than photographs.

Experiences with Anal Sex

Here's a summary of responses regarding anal intercourse from the more than 300 men and women who have taken the Flex Test so far:

Penis Size

The size and appearance of the penis varies considerably from man to man, and from soft to hard. You cannot always predict the size of an erect penis from its flaccid state: a penis that is thick and long may become harder but not much bigger in erection, and some tiny penises can become surprisingly large when aroused.

Men tend to be concerned about penis size, much more so than women: the largest recent internet survey found that only half of men were satisfied with their penis size, while almost all women were satisfied with the size of their partner’s penis. A smaller Croatian study found that more than half of women consider penis length and girth only somewhat important, while another quarter found both features unimportant.

Broad and reliable surveys of penis size do not exist, but a number of small studies suggest that most men have a penis that measures approximately 4.5 to 6 inches (12 to 15 cm) when erect, measured across the top surface from the juncture with the pubic skin. Since erections are not easily elicited in clinical settings, some researchers measure the stretched but flaccid penis, which provides approximately the same results.

There is probably some truth to racial stereotypes about penis size, though the scientific data is lacking and there is a wide range of individual penis sizes within any group. Pornographic films tend to depict men of African descent with large penises and East Asian men with small penises, but these actors may be selected precisely because of their desirable stereotypical attributes. Penis size also tends to correlate with body size, which may partly explain differences across racial groups.

Two studies have found evidence that men who have sex with men have larger penises than those who have sex exclusively with women, though the significance of the findings are debatable. The more recent of these studies also found that gay men with smaller penises were twice as likely to be the receptive “bottom” during sex compared to men with larger penises, which presumably reflects cultural expectations about masculinity and sexual roles. The same stereotype plays out in pornography, where large penises are featured and, in gay porn, where the larger man usually “tops.”

Men, are you satisfied with your penis size? Take the poll!

More on Threesomes

In an earlier post, I suggested the possibility of inviting your partner to embark on a threesome. Now that 200 participants have taken the Flex Test, I can report that the vast majority would like to try a threesome, though a majority have not yet done so.

Vaginal versus Clitoral

For nearly a century, scientists have debated the best way for a woman to reach orgasm: by stimulation of the clitoris or manipulation of the G-spot? Freud famously thought that women who derived pleasure from the clitoris were infantile and neurotic. Kinsey’s group, on the other hand, found that the vast majority of women masturbate by stoking and pulling the clitoris and labial lips, in preference to the vagina, and those findings have been replicated repeatedly.

Recent surveys of Czech women found that ninety percent had reached orgasm by stimulation of the clitoris, while only three-quarters had experienced orgasm by vaginal stimulation. A recent British study found that even the women who believe they have a G-spot (a little more than half) find their clitoral orgasms to be more satisfying than their vaginal orgasms anyway. A telephone survey of nearly twenty thousand Australians found that women were much more likely to reach orgasm if their partner pleased them with fingers and cunnilingus before vaginal intercourse, while only half reached orgasm from vaginal intercourse alone.

Which do you prefer? Take the quick poll to the right!

The Eyes as a Sexual Organ

Your eyes may be your most important sexual organs.

When we make eye contact with someone we find attractive, the shared gaze triggers an automatic smile, and our brains release hormones that contribute to the feeling that we have made a personal connection. These hormones, oxytocin and vasopressin, are also released during sexual arousal, at orgasm, during breast-feeding, and when parents gaze at their newborn babies. They seem to be responsible for emotional bonding.

When two people are “hot” for each other, it is because these hormones have triggered the release of dopamine in the brain, creating a feeling of excitement, confidence, focus, euphoria, and passion. These are the same feelings we experience when using drugs or gambling, and the mechanism is the same. This is why Romeo and Juliet, who fell in love after catching each other’s gaze from across the room, remain the quintessential example of passionate love. After all, what did they know about each other, aside from what they could gather from their eyes?

You can be as randy as a cat in heat, but no one will know if you are uncomfortable making eye contact. By meeting the gaze of another man or woman and holding it for a fraction of a second longer than usual, you can signal your interest. Most of us are culturally conditioned to avoid staring, and if someone glances at us, we quickly look away. This instinct is even more pronounced in East Asian cultures, which value privacy, deference, and saving face. A penetrating gaze is more acceptable, at least for men, in many Middle Eastern, Mediterranean, and South Asian cultures.

If you stare at someone who catches your interest, you run the risk that they will not reciprocate and may feel uncomfortable. After all, not everyone enjoys being the target of someone else’s sexual interest. There are many social contexts in which it would be unwise to stare, because you may be perceived as predatory. For example, you do not want to sexually harass your colleagues at work. But eye contact is a fairly safe method of testing the waters, because if your target is not sexually interested, he or she will likely not even notice or look away quickly rather than return your gaze.

Try making eye contact with men and women whom you find attractive. You may already be doing so with the opposite sex, but you will be surprised to find how many of the same sex will also return your gaze. Some may hold eye contact out of curiosity rather than desire, but that at least indicates a certain amount of comfort on the other person’s part. Others may look surprised, flattered, or disinterested.

Once you start making eye contact, you will notice that many women and men have been looking at you too and will smile when you reciprocate. You cannot reasonably judge a person’s character just by making eye contact, but you can at least begin to assess whether they are as interested in you as you are in them.

Anal Intercourse: a View from the Bottom

Both men and women, regardless of sexual orientation, can receive sexual pleasure through stimulation of the anus.

You can explore this on your own by sliding a lubricated finger into your anus while in the shower, on the toilet, or during masturbation. In fact, the tight anal sphincters should be stretched this way, by slowly sliding in one, then two, and perhaps three fingers, before you are penetrated by a larger dildo or penis, so that you can get used to the feeling. Otherwise you may be tense and unprepared, and intercourse may be uncomfortable or painful, at least at the start.

The anus does not possess as many glands as the mouth, penis, and vagina, so you will need to use a lubricant. Petroleum jelly (Vaseline) is ideal for self-exploration, and silicone-based lubricants provide the most slipperiness, but water-based lubricants are safest for use with condoms, because they don't weaken the material. Stay away from soap and lotions, which can sting and irritate the mucosa.

The most important principle, when you first try anal intercourse, is to go slowly and relax. The firmer the penis (or dildo), the more easily it will go in. You should try to push out with your anus against the head of the penis, rather than instinctively squeezing in. You may want to sit on your partner in order to have the most control over the angle and pace of the penetration. The anal sphincter is slightly narrower from side to side than from top to bottom, and penises tend to be flatter from the top surface to the bottom, so you might find it easier to be penetrated while lying on your side with your top leg pulled up towards your chest and your partner striding you perpendicularly.

Rates of pain during anal intercourse among women have not been studied. A study of men who have engaged in receptive anal sex (as a “bottom”) found that one quarter almost always experienced some pain, though it was usually mild or transient and partly related to anxiety. There are two anal sphincters, and the pain often occurs when the penis is partly in and reaches the deeper sphincter, taking both partners unawares. So go slowly until the penis is all the way in.

During your first experiences with anal penetration, you may feel uncomfortably like you are about to pass gas, because that is how the sphincters usually interpret the sensation of being stretched. You will get used to it. For hygienic reasons, you should defer being penetrated in the ass if you have a full sensation in your bowels, and some people even use a saline enema to empty their bowels before sex. After anal intercourse, some mucous and lubricant may be smeared in the crack of your buttock, and you may feel like you need to go to the bathroom.

The G-Spot

Both men and women are confused about the anatomy and function of the female sex organs. Important parts of the female genitalia are embedded in the body rather than hanging out, like their male counterparts, so they are difficult to study, but scientists have also mischaracterized or ignored the area for centuries. Vesalius, a classical anatomist from the Italian Renaissance, went so far as to claim that the clitoris was a myth or an abnormality that should be removed. Sixty years after physicians “discovered” the G-spot and female ejaculation, scientists continue to debate their existence or characterize them as feminist myths.

Medical studies conducted in just the past decade have revealed the clitoris to be a more complex organ than had been realized previously. The clitoris is much more than the button of sensitive tissue visible under the labial hood; it includes long tubes of erectile tissue, similar to those found in the male penis, which extend deep into the pelvis, where they straddle the vagina like a cowgirl gripping a bronco. Squeezed between the vagina and clitoral tissue are several types of sexual glands. The entire organ is richly enervated and sensitive to the thrusting, stroking, tugging, vibrating, distending, and contracting motions that a woman experiences during intercourse.

Some scientists have begun to refer to a “clitoral complex” that includes the visible head of the clitoris, the deeper erectile tissues, the sexual glands, and the especially sensitive adjacent area of the vagina, often referred to as the G-spot.

The G-spot was named after Dr. Gräfenberg, the doctor who first noted that some women were aware of a point of maximum pleasure just within the vagina. The area is usually described as dime-sized and located about an inch inside, on the front side of the vagina. You can reach the area by sliding a finger into the vagina and bending the finger in the direction of the bellybutton.

Ever since Dr. Gräfenberg’s “discovery,” scientists have debated whether the G-spot exists, and most have been distracted by the hunt for a distinct organ rather than a sweet spot. It turns out that the location of the G-spot corresponds to the area where the deep, erectile tissue of the clitoris pushes up against the wall of the vagina, especially when the erectile tissue becomes engorged with blood and the vaginal muscles contract, as they do during sexual arousal and vaginal penetration.

Have you found your own G-spot, an area in the vagina that seems particularly sensitive? Or have you located it in others? Tell us about your experiences, or take the quick poll to the right.

NYC Pride 2010

A few marchers in the Pride Parade last week were just too hot to post on my PG blog.