Anatomy of a Blowjob

I assume that readers of this blog are not completely inexperienced in the sexual arts, but some of you may have more confidence with one gender or the other. Knowledge is power, so I'm inaugurating a series of posts called Sex 101 that will describe the details of sexual intercourse.

Men and women have similar mouths. For the purpose of this post, the inside of the mouth is best described from the perspective of the penis. During oral sex, the penis is gripped by the lips and tongue as it slides against the slippery hard palate at the roof of the mouth. The muscles of the cheek create suction, and the penis may find itself sliding between your gums and cheek, or it may head straight to the back of the throat, in which case it pushes against the soft palate and tonsils.

The pressure against these fleshy structures typically triggers a gag reflex, which is designed to protect you from choking on food. If you want to “deep throat,” or take a penis deep into your mouth, you must learn to suppress the gag reflex by concentrating on relaxing the muscles at the back of your throat. This is not difficult, at least if you have a patient partner. (And unless you're giving a quickie in an alley, what partner wouldn't want you to take your time?)

A penis will also block your airway if it is thrust deep enough, so be sure to come up for air periodically.

The inside of the mouth is rich in salivary and mucous glands that secrete slippery liquids which help us digest food, and these glands are also triggered by any probing of the mouth during deep kissing and oral sex. Deeper penetration to the back of the throat causes the release of the thicker, more mucous fluids. Saliva mixes with your partner’s sexual secretions during fellatio, creating a slick and salty film that tastes nice and makes sex more comfortable (the same is true during cunnilingus).

What kind of blowjob do men prefer? It's a matter of taste and anatomy, so you'll have to experiment with your partner to see if he prefers the tightness at the back of your throat or the teasing licks of your tongue. The head of the penis is very sensitive, especially in uncircumcised men, so gripping the shaft in your mouth may be more pleasant than directly sucking the tip.

If a man ejaculates while his penis is deep in the back of your mouth, some of the semen may go down your throat or up into the back of your nasal passages, which lie directly above the soft palate. Most of the semen will remain in your mouth and can be spit out or swallowed, according to your preference.

There is truth in the old joke that, like dogs who lick themselves, we would all go down on ourselves if we were limber enough to do so. Surveys show that the vast majority of men would like to be given a blowjob. Many consider fellatio a form of making out rather than sex, and an otherwise straight man may feel comfortable getting a blowjob from another man and consider himself a lucky bystander whose sexual orientation is not called into question. But there is a double standard, and the "cocksucker" is often assumed to be gay. This is silly and fundamentally sexist; neither the giving nor the receiving of a blowjob is intrinsically more heterosexual or homosexual. Both are highly enjoyable.

An obvious question to ask in this forum is, who gives better blowjobs, men or women? Take the quick poll in the column to the right and let us know what you think.

Embarking on a Threesome

You realize that you’re attracted to both men and women, but you’re already in a straight relationship. What do you do? You could have a sexual experience on the side, as about one in four men and one in five women do at some point during their marriages, but this poses both ethical and practical problems. Rather than keeping secrets from your partner, wouldn't it be better to explore your options together?

A declaration of bisexuality by one person in a couple poses some problems. First, your partner may be upset that you are interested in having sex with anyone else, regardless of their gender. Second, your partner may hold one of many stereotypes about bisexuality and fear that you are really gay, or at least confused, and that your love and desire were never genuine. Your partner may become outraged, allege that you are having an affair, suspect that you have concealed prior homosexual experiences, and conclude that the two of you are incompatible.

That is not a desirable outcome, though it is a risk you may be willing to take, as an alternative to having an affair or leaving important feelings unexplored for the rest of your life.

It is best to raise the topic of your sexual feelings cautiously in order to gauge how your partner will react. You can mention bisexuality in general, ask your partner about his or her prior feelings and experiences with the same sex, make reference to mutual friends or family who have come out as gay or bisexual, explore his or her interest in having a threesome (with the combinations of genders you think he or she would prefer), and gradually reveal your own curiosity. You may find it helpful to first introduce role-playing, fantasies, or pornography with bisexual themes into your love making, to prime his or her sexual interest. Or ask your partner to take the Flexuality Test.

Your partner's reaction may surprise you. Some may be relieved that you’ve broached a topic that has been on their mind. Perhaps he or she has always wanted to try a threesome but has been afraid to say so. Some may have never considered it but become sexually excited at the possibility. Many men would enjoy having sex with two women, and many women would enjoy having sex with two men, so long as they are confident in the stability of your relationship.

Rather than feeling deceived, your partner may feel that your disclosure is a sign of your trust and commitment to a growing and deepening relationship. Relationships can evolve, just as people do, and this may introduce an exciting change. A positive outcome is more likely if your partner is open-minded about sex to begin with and has some understanding that bisexual desires are commonplace and natural, not deviant and rare.

On the other hand, you both need to be realistic about the risks of opening up your relationship, such as jealous reactions, falling in love with a mutual partner, or starting down a slippery slope away from sexual commitment.

Finding a partner can also be a challenge, though you may have someone in mind. You may be able to pick someone up at a bar or on a cruising Web site, some of which allow you to set up a profile as a couple. If you are trying to pick up a stranger, one or the other of you may serve as bait, flirting and then explaining the situation to the man or woman whose interest you have captured. If you want to invite a friend into bed, do so cautiously. Even close friends may be shocked to discover that you have sexual designs on them. Explore your friends’ attitudes towards sexual practices and swinging before you pop the question. Don’t assume that they anticipate or share your interest.

Once you work things out with a stranger or friend, keep in mind that you may have different preconceptions or desires in terms of who will be doing what to whom. You may want to establish ground rules with your partner ahead of time, and you may want to explain your preferences to the third party and establish his or her expectations before you get into bed. But that can also have a chilling effect and reduce the spontaneity and excitement that are a part of love making. I recommend keeping the discussion to a minimum, but be mindful of any discomfort or pleasure that arises. You might enjoy things you hadn’t anticipated trying.

What if you’re in a gay or lesbian relationship and want to explore your heterosexual side? The same principles apply, as with a straight couple, and the same risks. A gay or lesbian partner may be more understanding, if only because he or she is likely to have had prior heterosexual experiences. On the other hand, after struggling to come out and come to terms with a minority sexual identity and battling homophobia, your partner may be upset that you are contemplating sliding back to the majority. Your expression of opposite-sex desire may feel like a slap in the face and trigger feelings of abandonment, especially since many gay couples feel particularly fortunate to have discovered each other and to have built a relationship against the odds.

Have you come out as bi to a partner, or tried a threesome? Share your experiences with our readers! And take the quick poll in the column on the right.

Female Ejaculation

Do women ejaculate?

How can that even be a question, given that women have been reaching orgasms for millenia? Wouldn't someone have noticed? But just a few hundred years ago, physicians thought that the clitoris was an abnormality to be removed, and Freud thought clitoral orgasm was a sign of emotional immaturity. So we are still learning.

In fact, the medical literature continues to debate whether women ejaculate at orgasm. Some researchers believe that any fluid that might be released is really just urine.

But the most recent scientific studies have found that women do ejaculate a variable amount of liquid, and that the liquid is similar in content to male ejaculate, except of course that it lacks sperm. The ejaculate, which is released by glands located within the ureter, or pee-hole, is clear or slightly white in color. The amount is often small and perhaps unnoticeable in the midst of the muscular contractions that accompany orgasm.

Have you experienced female ejaculation in yourself or by your partner? Please take the quick poll in the column to the right, and share your experiences here. What was it like? How does it look, taste, and smell? How does it compare to male ejaculation?

Flexuality for Adults

Why have an adult content version of Flexuality? Most people begin to have questions about sexuality and sexual orientation in their early teens. But teenagers may not want to hear about, view, or discuss sexually explicit material, and exposing teenagers to such material can be illegal.

Since I have split my blog into two parts, readers can choose which content to view and engage in discussions at a more explicit level if they wish to do so.

You can contribute comments to this blog spinoff without worrying about the reactions of readers who are underage or offended by adult content.

You may wonder what sort of posts will appear on this blog. I have no objection to sexually stimulating pictures and stories, but sharing pornography is not the goal of this blog. I will present information about sexual practices, sexual physiology, and sexual experiences in greater detail than you are likely to encounter in general books, web sites, or polite conversation. You will hear about masturbation, dildos, anal sex, G-spots, cruising, and female ejaculation. You will be encouraged to take polls or share comments about your personal experiences with sex.

The mission of this blog is to open up a discussion about the wide range of human sexual practices. The content may be titillating, but more importantly, it is going to be useful!