Truth or Dare

Most men and women have their first same-sex experience in the context of experimenting with a friend. Teenagers and young adults spend most of their time, and feel most comfortable, with friends of the same sex, at a time when hormones are flowing and sexual curiosity is high. Friends tease and test each other while pushing their affection to the limits, often becoming closer to each other than they have ever been with anyone before. It is only natural for sexual tensions to develop.

Friends have always found ways to explore each other without advice from others. But many also feel guilty or confused or miss opportunities because they have not considered their options. You may find yourself looking back with regret at the times when a friend gave you an opening and you were too surprised, nervous, or inexperienced to take advantage. In that spirit, I list some of the common ways in which young men and women create opportunities for mutual sexual discovery. If you find yourself in one of these situations, you will be better prepared to steer the encounter in a more interesting direction.

“Truth or dare” is a time-tested game which gives players permission to reveal secrets or engage in shocking behavior. For the game to work, the one posing the challenge must pretend to be intent on embarrassing the one who is commanded, who in turn must pretend to resist. In fact, each player takes turns exploring the others’ limits while projecting and pursuing their own desires. “Spin the bottle” and “strip poker” create similar opportunities in the guise of punishment. Young men and women play each of these games together, and the excitement of mixing sexes is part of the fun.

Young men are fascinated by their new-found ability to get an erection, and they want to share this discovery with their friends. Many teenagers have joined a “circle jerk” at some point in their younger years, where they compare the sizes of their erections, the speed with which they reach orgasm, or the trajectory of their ejaculations. Hazing rituals in fraternities may involve similarly juvenile, sexualized acts, such as being confined naked in close quarters with other pledges. After a few drinks, "straight" guys may find themselves patting each other on the butt, working out naked, or unzipping their pants and comparing genitals. Once that boundary has been crossed, and sexual excitement has been demonstrated, another dare, question, or casual gesture can lead to frank sexual exploration, even if the fun is “forgotten” in the next morning’s hangover.

Young women similarly compare the size and shape of their breasts and practice kissing with each other, which can lead to making out. Women can hold an x-rated version of a Tupperware party, where they compare and purchase sex toys. Groups of women also sometimes find themselves discussing the elusive G-spot and may assist each other in finding that sensitive portion of their vagina which is so poorly explained in books. What starts as innocent exploration of their bodies may turn into sexual play. After all, why wait for a man if a more knowledgeable woman can help you practice and attain the orgasm of a lifetime?

Sleepovers are a particularly good setting for sexual exploration. Women are more comfortable with physical intimacy to begin with and may share a bed or cuddle, and that may be satisfying enough or lead to something more. Men often wake in the middle of the night to find that they have an erection, which, though involuntary, may serve as an excuse for sexual teasing, touching, or making out. Camping trips, snow storms, movie or computer game marathons, late-night studying, or being too drunk to drive home may all serve as excuses for spending the night together, sharing a bed, and getting to know each other better.

Picking up Popcorn

The other guys went home around midnight, but Tad told me he would stick around and help me clean up, which I really appreciated, because I was pretty stoned and the place would stink if I left it till the morning. There were cans of beer lying on their side on the floor and nuts and popcorn slipping into the cracks of the sofa. When we had nearly finished and were moving a table back into the kitchen, Tad asked me about Bobby, who had been making loud, obnoxious comments about all the girls in the movie: how he’d like to fuck this one or that one, how big her boobs were, and stuff like that.

“The thing is,” Tad said, “I had this experience last year with Bobby. We were at Jessica’s party, and when I went to pee, he sort of pushed his way into the bathroom behind me. He said he couldn’t wait, unzipped, and started pissing into the bowl while I was using it. I didn’t mind, but then he started playing around, crossing the streams and moaning like it was something sexual. We’d had a lot of beer, so this went on for a while, and I noticed his dick was getting bigger. After he shook it off, he pushed his underwear down and asked me to suck him off.”

Tad paused, like he was waiting for my reaction.

“So did you?”

“No, of course not.” He flashed an annoyed look. “He wasn’t kidding either. He was getting really hard. I told him he was drunk and got out of there fast.” Tad looked up at me. “Do I look like I’m gay, or something?”

I reached into the fridge, popped open another can of beer, and handed it to him. We were standing just a foot or two apart. “I don’t think gay is a way you look.”

He looked annoyed again, shifting back and forth and clenching his teeth in what could have been a smile or a frown. Finally he asked me, “What would you have done?”

I held his gaze and thought about my answer. “Well, I don’t like Bobby very much.”

He held out the beer and smiled. “So you might have, if it was somebody else?”

I let my fingers brush against his as I took the beer back and had a cold swig, looking into his eyes the whole time. “I’d give it a try, with the right person.”

The Snake

The Snake is defined by the bottom partner lying face down with legs together. It can be thought of as a collapsed Doggy Style. In the standard version, the top partner lies on top of the bottom, chest-to-back. The advantage, relative to the Doggy Style, comes from the pressing together of the legs, so that the penis is gripped in part by the thighs and buttocks. The position may also be more comfortable and permit more groping and cuddling. The top can thrust forward into the vagina and either forward or downward into the anus, depending also on how the bottom tilts the hips.

Some variations:

The Plough: The top leans back at the waist and balances on hands or elbows, in order to have a better view and increase the tension and control of penetration.

Spread Snake: The bottom’s legs are spread wide and the top lies between them. What is lost in the grip of the thighs is gained by the depth of penetration. Conveys total prostration.

Spooning: Like the traditional Snake, except that both partners lie on their sides. Might be more comfortable when the bottom is pregnant or the top is overweight.

Cross Snake: The top lies perpendicularly across the bottom. May be less painful for the bottom during initiation of anal sex, because the width of the penis and anal sphincters are better aligned. The bottom can lie on one side and bend the upper leg to provide better access.

Dressage: The top partner straddles the bottom and thrusts into the ass while sitting up. May be more difficult to reach and stay in the vagina from this position. Provides the top with excellent control over the angle and tension of penetration. Easy to slip back down into the standard Snake for greater depth.

The Snake can also be enjoyed without penetration by “splitting rocks” (as it is called in Sri Lanka) between the thighs or by humping the buttocks.

Blue Balls

If a man has been sexually aroused for some time and does not reach orgasm, he can develop a painful, congested feeling in his lower abdomen and testicles, commonly known as “blue balls.” Surprisingly, this phenomenon is almost completely ignored in the medical literature. Because there has been little medical investigation, we can't be certain whether the discomfort comes from venous congestion or from the build-up of seminal fluids.

Some consider blue balls a myth that young men use to pressure their girlfriends into sex. I'm sure the complaint has been used for that purpose, though there is really no excuse, since the discomfort is easily and safely relieved by masturbating to orgasm. But some people have a personal or cultural belief that masturbation is sinful or that it depletes masculine vigor. Of course, relief can also come in the form of a "wet dream" in the early morning during REM sleep, when men naturally and involuntarily develop an erection.

Have you ever experienced blue balls? Take the poll to the right.
Whether or not you suffer from blue balls, you may be able to get away with some naughty behavior with friends or roommates with the excuse that you are "horny" and "need relief." Most young men can sympathize. In fact, it may have been the idea of getting off with your pals that got you into a hard place to begin with.

Sexual Addiction

Does sexual addiction exist?

Mental health professionals have been slow to recognize the problem, in part because of traditional assumptions that only drugs and alcohol are addicting, and that sexual deviancy depends on what a person finds arousing rather than on ones sexual appetite. But as the internet has brought pornography, chat, and escorts into everyone’s home office, and self-help groups have popped up for sex addicts, the profession has woken up to the challenge.

Like gambling, sexual behaviours can spin out of control. You become increasingly preoccupied with cruising for partners, hoarding pornography, fantasizing about sexual encounters, and masturbating to the point of exhaustion. You spend increasing amounts of time in pursuit of sexual gratification, to the point that you begin to lose sleep or fall behind at work. Your loved ones notice a change, and you waste even more energy trying to conceal your pursuits. You may try to cut back, but find it difficult to reign in your habits.

In an article in The Spectator, the author nicely describes his own experience becoming addicted to internet pornography, and his eventual recovery.

Why mention sexual addiction in a blog about flexible sexuality? If you are ashamed by your homosexual or bisexual urges, you should be reassured that those desires are natural and not themselves signs of deviancy or addiction. I don’t believe that any sexual orientation is inherently more hypersexual and vulnerable to addiction, except perhaps for the supersexual type. Even then, addiction is defined by the loss of control, not by how much or how often you want to have sex (which varies considerably from person to person).

But I suspect that sexual addiction is much more common than we realize and that some people who come across this blog might have worries about controlling their urges. If so, recognizing the problem and deciding to do something about it is a good first step.

Pornography

Many of us discovered our sexual preferences in adolescence while flipping through an older friend's or relative's stack of pornographic magazines. Now everyone is more likely to find pornography on the internet. A wide selection of pornographic studios provide free content to thumbnail gallery posts (TGPs), so you can browse and see what catches your interest. Most straight TGPs (for example, PicHunter) have links to gay, bisexual, and "shemale" material, so you may have already taken a peek at same-sex or transgender pornography, if only out of curiosity.

All pornography involves acting (not all of it very good), and a single twenty minute scene may have actually involved hours of uncomfortable intercourse. The real sexual orientation of the models may have little relation to the acts they perform (i.e., they may be versatile or simply miscast). So don't be surprised if the participants don't always look like they are having fun.

Most “lesbian” pornography, unfortunately, is aimed at straight men rather than women and may seem particularly artificial in its depiction of female passion. But there is at least one good, free lesbian TGP that depicts women who look and behave more naturally, at RealLesbianPorn.

Some gay pornography exploits the gay-for-pay concept by presenting "amateur" straight men who have been tempted to explore their gay side for money, only to find they enjoy it. This may hold particular appeal for bi-curious viewers who can identify with the models. Gaysexer is a good TGP with a wide selection of studios and model types. Gaydemon organizes its thumbnail galleries by type of model and action and includes bisexual and shemale directories

“Bisexual” pornography typically involves threesomes in which two men have sex with each other and another woman. Again, it is created for men but may appeal to women who are turned on by gay sex. "FFM" (female-female-male) porn rarely features women who appear genuinely interested in each other. PenisBot has straight, gay, and other galleries, including a fairly good selection of bisexual images.

When browsing through pornography on the web, beware of fake TGPs that endlessly redirect you to other TGPs and studios or that carry malware. The sites listed on this post seem to be relatively safe. Video clips may carry more malware than photographs.

More on Threesomes

In an earlier post, I suggested the possibility of inviting your partner to embark on a threesome. Now that 200 participants have taken the Flex Test, I can report that the vast majority would like to try a threesome, though a majority have not yet done so.

The Eyes as a Sexual Organ

Your eyes may be your most important sexual organs.

When we make eye contact with someone we find attractive, the shared gaze triggers an automatic smile, and our brains release hormones that contribute to the feeling that we have made a personal connection. These hormones, oxytocin and vasopressin, are also released during sexual arousal, at orgasm, during breast-feeding, and when parents gaze at their newborn babies. They seem to be responsible for emotional bonding.

When two people are “hot” for each other, it is because these hormones have triggered the release of dopamine in the brain, creating a feeling of excitement, confidence, focus, euphoria, and passion. These are the same feelings we experience when using drugs or gambling, and the mechanism is the same. This is why Romeo and Juliet, who fell in love after catching each other’s gaze from across the room, remain the quintessential example of passionate love. After all, what did they know about each other, aside from what they could gather from their eyes?

You can be as randy as a cat in heat, but no one will know if you are uncomfortable making eye contact. By meeting the gaze of another man or woman and holding it for a fraction of a second longer than usual, you can signal your interest. Most of us are culturally conditioned to avoid staring, and if someone glances at us, we quickly look away. This instinct is even more pronounced in East Asian cultures, which value privacy, deference, and saving face. A penetrating gaze is more acceptable, at least for men, in many Middle Eastern, Mediterranean, and South Asian cultures.

If you stare at someone who catches your interest, you run the risk that they will not reciprocate and may feel uncomfortable. After all, not everyone enjoys being the target of someone else’s sexual interest. There are many social contexts in which it would be unwise to stare, because you may be perceived as predatory. For example, you do not want to sexually harass your colleagues at work. But eye contact is a fairly safe method of testing the waters, because if your target is not sexually interested, he or she will likely not even notice or look away quickly rather than return your gaze.

Try making eye contact with men and women whom you find attractive. You may already be doing so with the opposite sex, but you will be surprised to find how many of the same sex will also return your gaze. Some may hold eye contact out of curiosity rather than desire, but that at least indicates a certain amount of comfort on the other person’s part. Others may look surprised, flattered, or disinterested.

Once you start making eye contact, you will notice that many women and men have been looking at you too and will smile when you reciprocate. You cannot reasonably judge a person’s character just by making eye contact, but you can at least begin to assess whether they are as interested in you as you are in them.

Embarking on a Threesome

You realize that you’re attracted to both men and women, but you’re already in a straight relationship. What do you do? You could have a sexual experience on the side, as about one in four men and one in five women do at some point during their marriages, but this poses both ethical and practical problems. Rather than keeping secrets from your partner, wouldn't it be better to explore your options together?

A declaration of bisexuality by one person in a couple poses some problems. First, your partner may be upset that you are interested in having sex with anyone else, regardless of their gender. Second, your partner may hold one of many stereotypes about bisexuality and fear that you are really gay, or at least confused, and that your love and desire were never genuine. Your partner may become outraged, allege that you are having an affair, suspect that you have concealed prior homosexual experiences, and conclude that the two of you are incompatible.

That is not a desirable outcome, though it is a risk you may be willing to take, as an alternative to having an affair or leaving important feelings unexplored for the rest of your life.

It is best to raise the topic of your sexual feelings cautiously in order to gauge how your partner will react. You can mention bisexuality in general, ask your partner about his or her prior feelings and experiences with the same sex, make reference to mutual friends or family who have come out as gay or bisexual, explore his or her interest in having a threesome (with the combinations of genders you think he or she would prefer), and gradually reveal your own curiosity. You may find it helpful to first introduce role-playing, fantasies, or pornography with bisexual themes into your love making, to prime his or her sexual interest. Or ask your partner to take the Flexuality Test.

Your partner's reaction may surprise you. Some may be relieved that you’ve broached a topic that has been on their mind. Perhaps he or she has always wanted to try a threesome but has been afraid to say so. Some may have never considered it but become sexually excited at the possibility. Many men would enjoy having sex with two women, and many women would enjoy having sex with two men, so long as they are confident in the stability of your relationship.

Rather than feeling deceived, your partner may feel that your disclosure is a sign of your trust and commitment to a growing and deepening relationship. Relationships can evolve, just as people do, and this may introduce an exciting change. A positive outcome is more likely if your partner is open-minded about sex to begin with and has some understanding that bisexual desires are commonplace and natural, not deviant and rare.

On the other hand, you both need to be realistic about the risks of opening up your relationship, such as jealous reactions, falling in love with a mutual partner, or starting down a slippery slope away from sexual commitment.

Finding a partner can also be a challenge, though you may have someone in mind. You may be able to pick someone up at a bar or on a cruising Web site, some of which allow you to set up a profile as a couple. If you are trying to pick up a stranger, one or the other of you may serve as bait, flirting and then explaining the situation to the man or woman whose interest you have captured. If you want to invite a friend into bed, do so cautiously. Even close friends may be shocked to discover that you have sexual designs on them. Explore your friends’ attitudes towards sexual practices and swinging before you pop the question. Don’t assume that they anticipate or share your interest.

Once you work things out with a stranger or friend, keep in mind that you may have different preconceptions or desires in terms of who will be doing what to whom. You may want to establish ground rules with your partner ahead of time, and you may want to explain your preferences to the third party and establish his or her expectations before you get into bed. But that can also have a chilling effect and reduce the spontaneity and excitement that are a part of love making. I recommend keeping the discussion to a minimum, but be mindful of any discomfort or pleasure that arises. You might enjoy things you hadn’t anticipated trying.

What if you’re in a gay or lesbian relationship and want to explore your heterosexual side? The same principles apply, as with a straight couple, and the same risks. A gay or lesbian partner may be more understanding, if only because he or she is likely to have had prior heterosexual experiences. On the other hand, after struggling to come out and come to terms with a minority sexual identity and battling homophobia, your partner may be upset that you are contemplating sliding back to the majority. Your expression of opposite-sex desire may feel like a slap in the face and trigger feelings of abandonment, especially since many gay couples feel particularly fortunate to have discovered each other and to have built a relationship against the odds.

Have you come out as bi to a partner, or tried a threesome? Share your experiences with our readers! And take the quick poll in the column on the right.